I'm scared about having my scan today (I'm on CD13), for two reasons: 1) We're likely to be told our date for IUI today, and DH can't do Thursday (important meeting in London with new job, doesn't dare cancel) and we can't do Saturday (family wedding). Fingers crossed for Wed or Fri or Sun, otherwise I guess we'll have to miss the IUI this cycle - but only got two more 'spare' Clomid cycles in which to have the IUI. 2) The fertility sister is likely to talk about 'next steps', and I'm worried about what that will mean. I've been quite 'happy' with the process so far - it is familiar and the nurses are so nice. I don't want to think about what will come next. I was so miserable on Sunday. I went to church in the evening on my own (first time ever on my own since getting married, as DH was out with friends), and I just wanted to cry all through the service! I wasn't quite blaming God (though I did ask him why he wouldn't let it happen for us yet) but above all I was feeling guilty for being so self-centred and wanting to pray for myself instead of for other people who have much worse things to deal with. I just went home and cried! DH has been trying to comfort me, but he is not being very communicative. I asked him to open up to me a bit more, and I have just had a text from him, explaining that he's trying not to think about it too much or he'll feel sad. He's trying to focus on other aspects of our lives and remember how lucky we are in other respects. He's so right, and I've managed to remain fairly cheerful over the past 22 months by taking the same attitude, but now we're nearing the end of what the NHS will do for us I really feel low. If we have to go private, we will have to tell my parents as I know they would much rather lend/give us the money than for us to have to take loans. Telling the parents is a big deal for me!! I will update you after my scan, which is at lunchtime today. (a rather tearful and depressed) Blogger 1 x

Sod's Law - the best day for IUI this month would be Thursday! I have a follicle of 18x15mm already (CD13) so it's all happening a little early this month (maybe due to the fact that I've been focussing on healthy eating and exercise more than usual?). They think tomorrow might be a bit early but Friday too late :( So we are skipping the IUI this cycle, and just continuing with the ovarian tracking - next scan will be on Friday. Meanwhile I'm to jump on DH tonight and tomorrow night! I'm feeling a bit better. The worst has happened - the IUI has to be missed this month. But I consider it a positive that I'm producing eggs a bit earlier - and indeed that the Clomid is doing its job at all. My AF still seems to be 28-30 days long, so it means my luteal phase is a bit longer, which has got to be good news. I'll let you know what happens at my scan on Friday. Blogger 1 x

Today's scan showed that I ov'd very recently (follicle collapsing but not much fluid yet). We BDd on Tuesday evening and last night, so hopefully timed it well. I'm to have a blood -*test*-('") next Friday. It means I ov'd on CD16, which is a day or two earlier than normal. Perhaps the healthy eating is paying off - I have been almost saintly these last two weeks (got to try something to get this elusive BFP!). I was feeling brave so made a comment about how everything seems to be 'normal' pretty much each month (egg/s mature, release, good progesterone score) and then AF always arrives. The fertility sister was quite good, explaining that with unexplained fertility or a 'simple' problem like my mild PCOS, you just take things one step at a time - follicle tracking, then Clomid if not ovulating each month, then IUI to get the sperm near the egg, and then IVF. She said that at this stage, although everything looks to we working normally, they can't fully tell what is happening, e.g. if the sperm and egg just aren't very compatible, or if the eggs are just not good enough quality, or the shell is too tough for the sperm to permeate etc. IVF, as well as having a higher success rate than IUI (but far far more expensive and invasive, and therefore a last resort), is a useful procedure because it is as useful diagnostically as it is as a treatment. It will reveal where the problem lies, and then we will know what next steps to take. She then said (and this is the good news, I think) that we do get one try at IVF on the NHS, and that currently there is NO waiting list!! Obviously there might be a waiting list by the time I'm referred (I have one more cycle of IUI with two of Clomid) but the waiting time will be maximum 18 weeks and hopefully quite a lot less. So at least I know what the next steps will be, and likely timescales. Of course, there is still hope that this month is the month... Hang on in there everyone else long-term TTC x Blogger 1 xx

Well, there is still hope this month... I ovulated! Score of 69. I should expect AF to arrive by Friday, and no doubt it will, if the evidence of the past 22 months is anything to go by... so there's no point in getting too excited. I've managed to convince myself that my eggs are square and really tough and impenetrable, so nothing but IVF stands a chance. Still, there is, as ever, a glimmer of hope that we've done it this month. Where would I be without hope? Blogger 1 x

Hopes dashed, again... I started spotting on Wednesday night (CD28) and AF arrived in full force on Saturday morning. She's really been making her presence felt too, being very heavy and painful. Even though it didn't happen for us this month, I feel like my body is working properly - I ovulated on day 16 of a 30 day cycle, and I feel that eating healthily and exercising a bit more has contributed to that. Still, it hasn't worked! At least it's easy to know what day of my cycle I'm on this month, as CD1 was 1st November! (it's funny the little comforting things you look for in this long TTC journey) I've started my 11th cycle of Clomid. We're keeping our diaries free from 14th to 18th, in the hope that we can have our final try at IUI this month. After that, only one more try on Clomid before we move to IVF. I feel that IVF is now our only hope - I can't think why these next two months on Clomid will be any different from the previous 10. Just going through the motions really... :babydust: to all the rest of you girls TTC, particularly to Larmi in a most important 2WW... Blogger 1 xx

Well, what a crazy day... Had my first scan today - CD12 - and on LHS there is a follicle of 14x11mm, and on RHS there is a much bigger one but the picture wasn't clear and the fertility sister can't be sure how big it is or whether it's a proper follicle or is a cyst. She was wondering whether to send us for IUI tomorrow, and thought she'd get me to do an ov predictor -*test*-('") (I've never done one before as thought they didn't work with PCOS!). But then she couldn't find any, so said she'd book us in for IUI tomorrow regardless. I offered to go out and buy my own, and let her know what it said, but she wasn't very keen for some reason! Anyway, she booked us in for IUI tomorrow, and then we talked about next steps. The news of a waiting list for IVF on the NHS isn't quite as good as I was previously led to believe, as we're nearing the end of the financial year and they might be getting to the end of this year's pot of funding so I might have to wait until April ish. She asked if we would want to do a course of IVF privately in the meantime, and I couldn't really answer (as we've not discussed it, where to find the money etc), but asked her what the options were, eg where to have it done, how it would work to try privately then go to NHS. She said the whole process is long and involves councelling and suchlike, and I asked whether the NHS offers the same full service as going privately (thinking that if we waited for the NHS try, we could get the councelling and all that stuff and it might save us money if we then go on to private - makes sense?). She said that the NHS councelling was generally a group info session with not much chance to ask questions, so the private one would be better. She also said I could have private treatment at the Priory (where we go for IUI) with my old consultant (who I think is pretty good). NHS treatment would be at Birmingham Women's Hospital. However, obviously we could have private treatment wherever we liked, and we have no idea which places would suit us best. She gave me a number to phone to find out the length of the NHS IVF waiting list at BWH, which might help us make our decision. Fingers crossed, though, that this last course of IUI works and we don't need it... THEN I went straight to Tesco, bought a pack of digital OPKs, and got no smiley face. I then looked at my 'stats' (cycle data) AND observed that I have NEVER ov'd before CD15 in the last three years (this IUI was booked for CD13!). So I phoned the fertility sister and convinced her that Friday would be a better day for IUI. So it's re-booked for Friday, but I'm to do an OPK first thing on Friday morning and, if still no smiley face, I'm to ring the other fertility sister (who works on Fridays) to discuss whether to have the IUI or to get her to postpone the IUI until Saturday and have a scan on Friday instead. At least the fertility sister listened to me (and won't I feel stupid if I ov before Friday now!). But if only their scanner wasn't so antiquated, she would have been able to get a proper look at that right ovary and make a more informed decision (they have put in a bid for a new scanner - the current one doesn't even print pictures any more). If I win the lottery (no chance as I don't even play it) I will buy them a new scanner!! I will update you all on what my ov sticks say tomorrow and Friday! I hope this isn't the start of a slippery slope to obsession about POAS! Blogger 1 x

Did another OPK and still no smiley face. I'll do another one late pm if I can hold on to a wee long enough for it to be worth a try! I'm pleased it's not yet a smiley as it suggests that today would NOT have been the right day for IUI (that's IF the OPKs are going to work for me). Blogger 1 x

OMG OMG I just did another OPK again - didn't wait 4 hours since my last pee, and there wasn't much of it so I thought I had messed up, but... I got a :rainbowsmile: I feel quite ridiculously pleased! We DTD last night because I just had a nagging worry that if I have popped early we'd have missed it, and we have IUI tomorrow morning - in theory perfect timing, wouldn't you say? (I assume 36 hours between last DTD and IUI is ok for DH's swimmers as they are good anyway) I'm also pleased because, for me this month anyway, the OPK worked despite me having PCOS. I am now excited about this new TTC 'toy' and fear I will be spending £20 every month on a kit. It's totally thrilling seeing that face smile at me! I'm obsessed already! So much so that I'm going to POAS again tomorrow morning just for fun! (and then I'm going to get a grip, and stop throwing money down the drain) Oh dear - it takes such little things to get me pleased now, on the rocky TTC road... Blogger 1 xx

Well, I woke up this morning and decided not to POAS - what discipline! I also rang the Assisted Conception Unit at Birmingham Women's Hospital about the waiting list for NHS IVF, but the lady who knows is not in until Monday, so I need to ring back then. IUI was fine - I'm very blasé about it now - just carry on reading while the nurse does her stuff down there! Actually the nurse (same one as last cycle) was really lovely. After I reported to registration but before actually having the IUI I went and asked about their introductory sessions at the Priory hospital, saying that if this cycle of IUI fails we will be considering private treatment. They were really lovely and gave me an info pack and told me that the next round of introductory interviews with a consultant was 2nd December in the evening (it is free). We have something planned that evening, so need to speak to DH about whether we should cancel the other engagement, or wait until the next round of interviews in Jan/Feb. The nurse talked briefly about IVF and said it's not that big a deal, and she'd rather have a cycle of IVF than go to the dentist!! I have to say I don't believe her!! Anyway, I'm feeling hugely positive today, and also determined to remain calm and not dash about - give the swimmers every chance. It's very weird to be walking round, thinking that some complete stranger has just injected DH's swimmers into me! I do think the strangest things at times! Best of luck to Blogger 2 for Monday!! Blogger 1 x :eggsperm:

Some good news and some very bad news. The good news is that I ovulated - score of 100 which is great! The bad news is that :afarrived: I was getting a bit of cramping from Monday, and started spotting this morning. Not officially CD1 yet, but still she's definitely here. That takes us to 2 years of TTC, 11 cycles of Clomid, 3 cycles of IUI - all failed. I've spoken to the fertility sister who is referring us for IVF. She will get the consultant to dictate a letter, and I will get a confirmation letter from Birmingham Women's Hospital when they've received the referral. There is a waiting time from that point of around 3-5 months. I asked about getting a copy of my notes in preparation for going private if the first IVF fails, but she did say that if enough embryos are produced, some will be frozen and we might get two cycles on the NHS that way. Also, if we go private at the Priory we will have our NHS consultant so he will have my notes. Meanwhile I have a hospital appointment on 20th January (what's the consultant going to say? I'm a failure!). I have one more cycle of Clomid to take, though am just trying on my own this month with no scans or blood -*test*-('")s (what's the point - I always ovulate with a high progesterone score on 100mg Clomid - and AF always arrives). I'm going to find a reflexologist who specialises in women's fertility / PCOS, or failing that an acupuncturist. Anyone know how to find someone good in my area (Birmingham)? Not a lot left to say. I'm trying to be matter-of-fact but I'm in despair. Blogger 1 x

I forgot to update the blog to say that we were going for an open evening at the Priory Hospital, to find out a bit more about IVF and the service they offer. It was yesterday - here's how we got on... As we drove to the Priory we talked about what answers we wanted. For DH the main thing was gaining reassurance that in our situation (basically unexplained infertility with PCOS) IVF is the right way to go, and we have a good chance of success - ie worth the stress. For me it was wondering how, if we have NHS IVF at BWH and then move to Priory for private IVF, will our records carry over, or will everything have to be -*test*-('")ed again. We got there, and the consultant was Mr Baghdadi, who was my original NHS consultant at City Hospital (who took me off Dianette and put me on Metformin before discharging me as we weren't quite ready to TTC at the time). Since then we have been seen by his colleague Mrs Bhatti for infertility, but basically the good news is that we'd be with Mr B for pfivate IVF at the Priory. He briefly described the IVF process using a picture book(!), explaining how it is diagnostic as well as therapeutic, and also briefly outlining the things that may be stopping us conceiving (eg antibodies in my system, egg not allowing any sperm to penetrate). He explained that as I have PCOS they would need to put me on the minimum dose of the drugs, because of heightened risk of OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome) with women with PCOS. I pointed out that my ovaries aren’t currently polycystic and that I have never over-stimulated on Clomid, but he said they would be cautious for the first time anyway. He also mentioned ICSI if the sperm can’t penetrate the egg on its own (and he pronounced it Iksi, rather than I.C.S.I. as I had presumed for some reason!). He also mentioned that if IVF doesn’t work at any stage (egg stimulation, collection, fertilization, embryo growing, implantation) there could then be further -*test*-('")s to do with chromosomes etc. but that these -*test*-('")s are very expensive and only show up something in around 5% of cases and are therefore the last resort. DH asked about whether our chances would be quite good, given our factors (age, weight, sperm quality, regular ovulation on Clomid), and Mr B was very reassuring that we are definitely ready to go for IVF, having tried Clomid and IUI, and that it is the right time in our lives to be taking TTC seriously and that we have every chance – but of course it will depend on the ‘unknowns’. I asked about the different quality of service we would get on the NHS at BWH. He was very diplomatic (he is, of course, also an NHS consultant), but said that at BWH they do of course know their stuff, but I will be seeing different people each time, and lots of students etc. whereas going private we would see only consultants, and a familiar nurse would always be present during a procedure. Fair enough, we thought! I also asked about the effects on me in particular, eg how much time I’d need to take off work etc. To be honest he underplayed this part a bit – just said that the general anaesthetic for egg collection would only last 20 mins and I’d be home the same day, but would probably need the time off between this day and implantation day, 4ish days afterwards, as I’d be sore. He didn’t make any comments on the effects of the injections etc. One other interesting thing was that Mr B said that as of 1st Jan 09, only one embryo will be implanted during the first IVF procedure, if it is a ‘class 1’ embryo (a good one by a couple under 37 years of age). If class 2, then two eggs can be implanted. If unsuccessful first time, then two would be implanted the second time. Mr B said that all the all the IVF centres in the Midlands took this decision, based on success rates and multiple pregnancies. DH was relieved – he is terrified of having twins! (I say two is loads better than none!). After that, a lady showed us round the unit. It was really small! One main theatre room, a separate scanning room, a couple of resting/convalescence rooms, a small office for consultations, and a kitchen type room with a couple of fridges, incubators, microscope type things (but it was smaller than our kitchen!). She warned us that BWH is loads bigger. As we left, we talked about what we’d found. DH was very impressed with Mr B – said he clearly knew his stuff, obviously trusted the care we have had with his colleague Mrs Bhatti, was relaxed, confident etc. However, we have different attitudes to it generally! DH’s attitude is that we just go along with whatever the experts say, trusting them to do their job and not worrying too much. Mine is that I want to know everything, and be prepared for the worst. Also, DH reckons that if our first NHS cycle looks like clashing with holidays or other commitments, we could delay it, whereas I think that having a baby is the most important thing in our lives and we should be prepared to drop anything else for it. Cue a small argument - oh well – we shall muddle along somehow! Made us both aware that IVF will -*test*-('") our relationship, but we are both determined to go through it as a team at all stages. Blogger 1 x

I finally got round to booking a reflexology appointment - for 5pm tomorrow (as I'm around ov time and that's when she recommends to start treatment). The lady sounded really nice. She's coming to the house as she says it's more relaxing for you doing it at home (hope the cats don't jump on me!). It's costing £24 per session, so six sessions is going to make a dent in the bank account! (I can of course stop at any time). She briefly explained that reflexology can have good results for people TTC but that there are no guarantees (no sh*t, Sherlock!). My first treatment will also include a consultation so will last around 1.5 hours, but thereafter the treatments will last an hour. My main concern is remaining relaxed after the treatment, in order to get maximum benefit from it. She's coming at 5pm tomorrow, and I normally go out on Thursdays at 7pm! When am I going to have my tea, feed the cats etc? I'm also really busy at work and would normally work way beyond 5pm at the moment. Stress!! Hmmm. I think it's pretty obvious that I need this reflexology! I should probably cancel what I'm doing afterwards, and just chill. I'll let you know how it goes. Meanwhile, the good news is that I can feel that things are going on in my ovaries - last-ditch attempt at Clomid (with no tracking/blood -*test*-('")) is obviously having its usual effect. I'm also taking Guaifenesin, and (tmi) had lots of EWCM this morning, so it's about time. Planning to do an OPK later this afternoon, and again tomorrow before my reflexology. Might as well use the rest of the pack up, even if it just tells me what I already know - that I ovulate but don't get pregnant! Blogger 1 xx

Well, yesterday's opk was negative, but this afternoon's was a smiley face!! I just kinda knew it would be, given the timing and twinges and CM, but even so I'm relieved that all appears to be working ok on this last cycle of Clomid. Had my first reflexology treatment today. The lady was lovely, and very calm so I am really relaxed now. She asked me lots of questions about my health, and I found it interesting how much more detail I needed to go into about certain things (eg long-term effects of glandular fever). The treatment was relaxing and interesting in equal measure - even if the cats were trying to distract us throughout! Not surprisingly, I was having ovary pain as I'm about to ovulate, and she picked up that it was the left side that was most active - which is my most popular side, and the one giving the most twinges this month. She also felt pain in the breast area, which surprised me as I don't tend to get tender boobs, but she said that's common - that even if you don't actually notice the pain in boobs, the hormonal activity in that area shows up in your feet. Weird. She picked up a sore throat/ear/sinus area, and some mucous low down in my chest. I said the mucous may be due to the cough meds I'm taking, which 'loosen' everything, but she warned me that I might be about to get a cold. Let's hope she's wrong! She found tension in neck/shoulder area, which comes as no surprise as I am at a computer all day and am always knotty there. She was surprised that I felt pain in the gall bladder area, as I'm a healthy vegetarian (it's normally associated with excess fat or salt). Somthing to look out for next time. I also felt some pain in the leg/knee area, which she was surprised about as she didn't pick anything up there, but she said this meant it was probably short-term eg muscular, and that totally fits because I noticed having unusually tight calves yesterday, but decided to go to the gym anyway, so there is every chance there is currently slight tension/strain there. I found the treatment very relaxing, and even now I'm a bit spaced out! Sadly I've got more work to do tonight, but DH is cooking a curry which will be nice. Who knows whether it will do any good to my fertility, but I certainly feel some immediate benefits, and was struck by how much she could work out from what she felt and what I felt. I'm happy to keep on with it for a bit. Next treatment is next Wednesday. Meanwhile, I need to pounce on DH tonight, to catch that egg! Got to keep hoping and trying! Blogger 1 xx

Well, did I just have a panic or what? Idly opening our Christmas cards, I opened a letter from Birmingham Women's Hospital. Here's the important bit of it: "It is with regret I have to advise that your GP is not part of the Birmingham Primary Care Trusts but comes under Sandwell. Sandwell have never contracted with the Birmingham Women's Hospital for funding for fertility treatments. I believe they have always placed their contract with Midland Fertility Services, Aldridge. Your GP may be able to advise further." OMG! I was panicking, thinking that just because of silly rules with overlapping councils and PCTs etc. we are going to lose out! What happens if Aldridge have a really long waiting list! All plans out of the window! Have to go private! Money! Panic! So... I came to my senses, rang the fertility sister who has been dealing with me all year, and luckily she was in (last day before long Christmas break!). She said it's no problem - she'll call the consultant's secretary and get her to alter a version of the letter and send it to Aldridge before Christmas (hope it doesn't get lost in the Christmas post - STOP THINKING THE WORST!!). Then I asked about waiting lists... the GREAT news is that she believes there is NO waiting list at Aldridge!! So, as a result of this panic, we might be even better off than before!! I'll keep you posted when the new letter arrives... Happy Christmas, one and all! Blogger 1 xx