xxx

Day 1 of stims I had my baseline scan at 11am. For anyone whose had follicle tracking, you'll know what the scan's like but for those who haven't .... They have a special chair with stirrups. They leave you to get undressed, settled and covered up again in an attempt to preserve some of your modesty. They then put some KY jelly and a condom on an ultrasound detector which is about 10 inches long and 1 inch wide - which is nicknamed 'dildocam' for obvious reasons. They insert this just inside the entrance of the vagina - don't worry, they don't shove it right up!!! Using this they can see the uterus and ovaries. Anyway - all is well!! I have a nice thin lining and no cysts on my ovaries but I have lots of nice follicles which just need to be stimulated to grow! She said that everything looked perfect. I've on a dose of 250iu Menopur per day. even though I've done it before, the nurse decided she needed to show me how to mix the drug. Basically you get an ampoule of water (1ml) and 3 vials of powder (75iu each) You snap off the top of the water ampoule and suck it up with a nice big needle. You then squirt the water into the 1st vial to dissolve the powder and suck it up again. You squirt that into the 2nd vial, suck it up again and then squirt it into the 3rd vial - yep, you've guessed it - suck it up again .... are you with me? You take the massive drawing up needle off and put the nice small injecting needle on. Tap out the iar bubbles, squirt the air out until there's just drug in the syringe, select a piece of flab on your stomach or thigh and stab it in. Job done!! Now I've also got to carry on with the Suprecur injection. In a nutshell the Suprecur that I downregged with turns off the pituitary gland in my head - and it needs to stay turned off. I now have 2 injections a day and my next scan is on friday 8th August (10 days time) at 10:30am. At this scan they'll use the delightful dildocam again to count and measure the number of follicles on my ovaries - some of which and hopefully most of which, will contain an egg. When the folicles get to approx 18mm, they'll give me another injection (pregnyl) which has to be done at a specific time to ensure that they mature the eggs ready for collection but that I don't actually ovulate. So - here I am - phase two of IVF! I can't believe we're actually here!! Sending lots of love to you all - a big 'thankyou' hug to Loubie and a big 'I'm so excited for you' hug to Ketlib!!

Day 2 of stims Just a quicky to say that I won't be able to update until Monday as I'm going to London for the weekend to stay with my cousin and we're going to see Kylie!! Lots of love Sarah xx

Day 10 of Stims Sorry I've been quiet recently. I've been really busy and just haven't had chance to get online. Had my day 10 scan today and its bad news. I haven't responded to the stims at all. My lining is pretty much non existent and there are no follicles, not even a tiny one. I'm devastated. We're going into clinic on wednesday morning to discuss our options but the fear is that I'm entering into Menopause and that my ovarian reserves are seriously low. At the moment we're thinking that we should go for a short protocol and try and get any eggs that we can and pray for the best - but that won't be for a while yet as I've got to have 2 AF's before we can start a fast track regime. In the mean time I've got to have more -*test*-('")s done to find out whether there are any eggs in there. If not, egg donation or adoption would be our only choices. I'm beginning to wonder which slap in the face will be the one to tip me over the edge. As time goes on I realise that I might never hold our biological baby in my arms. So - this is the end of my IVF diary. Thank you to everyone who PM'd me!! It meant so much. I wish each and every one of you on this TTC journey all the luck in the world. For me - a little bit of time out is needed xxxxxx Sarah

CD - oh, I have absolutely no idea!! I've decided to post periodically on this thread because now that I've calmed down, I've decided that our IVF journey isn't over by a long shot!! I will not give in at the first hurdle!! We're at clinic tomorrow. I've written myself a list of questions and I want to get going on Short Protocol ASAP!! I had bit of a revalation yesterday .... when I went for my down regging scan, the sonographer said - and I quote "All those little dots are tiny follicles waiting to be stimulated". Now that logical Sarah is back - if there were lots of tiny follicles (known in the trade as Antral Follciles) then surely that means that I just didn't respond to the Menopur - not that I haven't got any eggs and am heading for Menopause or Prem Ovarian Failure!! Oh, I'm so dim when I'm in a panic!! Why didn't I remember this at the time? I'll let you all know what happens tomorrow xxx Lots of love and thanks to all of you for being so fabulous!!!

DH and I have been to clinic today. Where do I start? Ok - My FSH levels on my last -*test*-('") in May were 6 - normal range is between 1 and 10 so nothing abnormal there. On my DR scan, there were indeed lots of teeny tiny follicles (antral follicles) - which also indicates that all is well! They have absolutely no idea why I didn't respond - everything's normal and they just can't figure it out!! So - the upshot of all that is that subject to PCT approval (They'd better bl**dy approve it unless they want me to seriously crack under the pressure) we'll go ahead with a short protocol in October. I've got to use cyclogest every morning and night (nice!) for the next 7 days and then stop - which will induce AF. Cyclogest is a progesterone pessary which in this case will tell my endometrium to thicken and stopping it will cause a progesterone dip and cause AF to arrive. In a normal cycle (apologies if I'm telling you something you already know!!) when ovulation takes place, the ruptured follicle forms what is called the Corpus Luteum. This Corpus Luteum produces progesterone which keeps the endo nice and thick ready to receive an egg. Then, one of 2 things happens ... either there is no fertilised egg and when the CP stops producing progesterone and AF arrives OR there is a fertilised egg and when the CP stops producing progesterone, pregnancy hormone kicks in and the pregnancy continues. In IVF, ovulation doesn't occur so there isn't a ruptured follicle as such to make the progesterone, so you use pessaries to make sure there's enough progesterone in your body to get the endo ready to receive an egg. On CD2 they're going to repeat my FSH just to make sure. So - thats that! For the next 7 days I'll be in cyclogest hell!! I hope I haven't rabbited on for too long! Lots of love, Sarah xxx

My GP has signed me off work for 2 weeks. I've gone and got myself into a right state and in all honesty I feel relieved that I've got some time to sort my head out and build my emotional strength up. So, on DH's advice - I'm going to my Mum and Dads for a few days. This song sums up exactly how I feel right now - and I can imagine many of you may have - either now or in the past - the same feelings. WARNING - box of tissues may be required because I cried and cried the first time I heard this xxxx <object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/JqfGqOx2iDQ&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/JqfGqOx2iDQ&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

Its been a long time since I updated - apologies in advance for what isn't likely to be a very cheerful post :( I'm now back at work - but still not feeling on top of the world. I've got my head round our failed IVF and I'm looking forward to Short Protocol!! Hmmm, all's good you'd think!! Well, some of DH's family are making my life hell and its got to the point where I just can't take anymore. Its a very long and complicated story but its got to the point now where their actions make me feel useless, small and like I'm the joke of the family. I've been very depressed about it and DH is sticking to me like glue and says he doesn't want anything to do with people who treat his wife this this!! DH has never had much to do with these members of his family - we tried to build bridges but its backfired on us ... it seems keeping a wide birth for the past 10 years was the right thing to do after all!! If I told you what they've been saying about me ... you would not believe it!!! Anyway - I've got bad paranoia - I truly feel that nothing good ever happens for DH and I, I feel that everyone hates me - especially his family and right now, I hate myself!! My GP has suggested Prozac to help me through this along with some counselling ... I've got to go and discuss this with my IVF clinic though before I make a decision on whether to take it or not. I know I have amazing friends, a great family and the best husband I could ever wish for .... so how can a small number of insignificant people make me feel so low. If you've got this far - thanks for reading, its good to get it off my chest!! Hopefully the 2nd Short Protocol diary I write will be a much happier one xxxx

Its been a long time since I updated. I've been so busy recently this is seriously the first chance I've had in weeks!! You may remember that I had the dilemma - Prozac or no Prozac? Well - I decided on no Prozac and a holiday instead! So - DH and I went to Sorrento for a week and had a lovely time!! I feel much better and I now know that I just needed a week away with my hubby. We're also going to Paris for my birthday at the end of October so I'm looking forward to that! My next piece of news is that we're going to do SP in November. I need a couple of months - I'll also admit that I'm putting it off because I'm really scared!! There are no guarantees that SP will help me produce the eggs we need - but putting it off forever won't help will it? So November it is! Yesterday I went to Manchester to have lunch with 3 friends I met on another Infertility site I use and we had a great time!! We went to a lovely restaurant, had a great meal and demolished a few bottles of wine. Therapy indeed :o) Work's crazy. I've enrolled at nightschool to redo my GCSE French as I haven't spoken a word since I did my A Levels - which is one or two years ago - ahem!!?? And that's it!! Actually - now I think about it SP is only probably about 6 weeks away!! I just want to say a special thanks to Linzi for my surprise - made my day!! Lots of love to you all xxx I do think of you even though I might not get chance to get on here as much as I'd like to xxx Sarah xx

Dear Diary, I haven't updated as I've tried to remove myself from thinking about TTC ... whilst we were waiting for tx, I wanted to have as normal a life as possible. I've been having acupuncture ... I don't know if it'll make any difference but - nothing to lose (except my hard earned cash) so I thought I'd give it a try though sheer desperation. Anyway - here I am on CD3 - updating my diary in the hope that my experience will help someone, someday. AF arrived on Thursday afternoon. I felt sick - this means no more putting it off. I needed to phone the clinic and get back on this rollercoaster ride. I rang clinic and arranged to go in for a scan on friday morning. I was so anxious. Anyway - the scan went well, apparently all looks great and I've been given the ok to start injecting for our 2nd IVF cycle. Now - this one's slightly different from the last one. There's no down regulation - just straight to stims!! I'm on a whacking great dose of FSH and because I haven't downregulated my own hormones are also whizzing around my body. There's not much more to say at this point other than I pray every day that some follies grow and that at my scan on wednesday I'll have some follicles to tell you all about. Loubie - I'd have text you to tell you all this but as you know all my phone numbers are sitting on my SIM card in Grimsby. But, I'll have it back by tomorrow so I'll keep you updated properly. xxx

CD5 Just a quick update because there's not much to tell!! Injections are going ok - I can't stop wondering whether my follies are growing but .... Follies .... if you can hear me .... please grow!! Only 2 more sleeps to my scan xx

CD6 Well - Its D Day tomorrow and I'm scared!!! I've been for Acupuncture today and she's timulated my ovaries so lets hope they're getting busy. xx

CD7 - Day 6 of Stims Well, I had my 1st scan today. It took 2 nurses and their manager 15 minutes to find my ovaries ... it was a nightmare!! I was starting to wonder whether I'd got any. But - after alot of searching, we found them. It looks like there are follciles on both of them but they were very small so we need to pray that they grow!! Today I've started another drug called Orgalutran which stop the LH surge and so stops any ovulation that might occur. I'm back for another scan on friday .... please follies - grow!!!